Your Stay at an All-Inclusive Mindfulness Luxury Resort
Your Stay at an All-Inclusive Mindfulness Luxury Wellness Resort
The first thing you might notice is the singing bowl in your room. An odd addition I'd offer, as there are easier ways to contact a bellman. In just plain old luxury resorts, they'd have a phone. Or even an ipad with an app (which also serves as a bonus nightlight!). A singing bowl dinged and rimmed (technical term) a dozen times seems, well, seems loud, and seems to have just awaken other guests and not a single bellman arrived.
It's all very confusing.
Another curiosity is the addition of puzzles, Jenga stacks and other 'mindful' games scattered about the property. Other guests choose to plod around in fluffy robes and flat-soled slippers; they stand catatonic over a jigsaw puzzle, frozen in gaze, misguiding pieces, all flopped over and silent. This feels very reminiscent of an institution where one might go after having, say, a nervous breakdown and, say, having to be medicated lest a screaming match breaks out with another patient who steals their puzzle piece and chews on it.
Anyway, I didn't find these puzzles relaxing at all.
One recommendation for when you arrive: don't tip. Yeah, don't tip anyone. Instead, ask for tips.
I know, I know, you're scratching you're head, but trust me on this one, ok? While you might fear speaking with anyone, ever, anytime, in any spot, in any way, in this case, practice your inner breathing, and just give it a go. Allow me to guide you to how this is done:
Hello (this is you, great job starting off - be bold!)
Hello, and welcome (this is the greeting clerk dressed in all white, the one with the name tag and clipboard and pen he keeps clicking)
Thank you for having me. Do you have any tips? (you again)
Tips? (them)
Yes, tips. (You. be firm, in case they aren't getting your point)
Well, you should definitely get a massage. (why does he chuckle so?)
And that's that. A nice tip for you. See, that wasn't so hard, now was it?
The term 'all-inclusive' is amazing, because it means that even though you've overpaid by a considerable amount, once you're there everything seems free.
Now, if you play your cards right, you can make your stay a profit center.
When you arrive, they'll offer you one of these fancy shmansers "stay hydrated" medical-grade borosilicate BPA-free glass water bottles (in a silicone sleeve). And, you'll notice every other guest will also get one.
So...yes, ok...you see where this is going, you got it, you're a quick one, aren't you?
I'll just play it out anyway. First, borrow other guests bottles when they are zoned-out recapturing their auras or doing weird yoga poses in the hallway (do not let them see you though, be alert!). Then, fill each one with the biofilm elimination, reactive oxygen blue-light disinfected water from the portable stations on the grounds.
When you return home, set up a "BLUE LIGHT WATER, today only, for sale, cheap!" stand in front of your house ($1 per 12 oz.); then dump those lame glass water bottles (they break if you so much as drop them from the top of your stairs) on your Amazon reseller store (please be sure you SEO optimize with terms like 'all-inclusive luxury resort' and 'free stolen shit' which actually will reach a lot of eyeballs).
I met a woman here named Serenity Moonbeam.
She sat next to me at a silent meal and, for real, every time she cut at her vegetarian beet breakfast hash with her knife, she made a terrible scraping sound that made my fillings hurt. They claim this place is a digital device free zone, but I just had to text a video of this happening to my cousin (who, btw, is probably good to buy at least 64 oz. of the blue light water).
Hey, I wasn't finished with my breakfast, excuse me, why are you being so rough, now you are just being rude, I only texted one video and only had one Facetime call and only turned my ringer on because I could absolutely not hear it over Serenity Moonbeam's dreadful knife scraping.
I went to the prenatal meditation class, which was absolutely insulting. Who says I can't attend just because I'm a man, where's the fluidity in that? That isn't very mindful at all.
They did, however, let me into the Shadow Ceremony, where I embraced my radiance and shed my old skins. Love and light everywhere indeed; although I'm not sure why they kept asking me to stop touching other people's shadows (it was a cloudy day, and it turned out that at times people's shadows weren't shadows at all, but actually their actual selves, but you can understand my confusion because how does one do a shadow ceremony with only real people and no shadows?)
I tried to get into the Ayahuasca Ceremony, but they kept telling me that's a different ritual and they would only offer Abhyanga and Ayurvedic Treatments, which sound awfully similar to me (I even spelled it out slowly, eye-uh-WAH-skuh). I still purged my soul in places where they offered any service that began with an 'A', so kinda made up my own ceremony.
Anyway, I've now left and have been asked to never ever ever return, which is fine I guess, because I really do actually feel in total flow state.
Highly recommend, 5 stars, would do it again.