How to Lose Weight
The first way to lose weight is the most obvious: stop feeding your fat face you absolute fat fück.
I'm going to guess that won't do the trick, though, because you've been saying that to yourself for years. And yet here you are, eating rice krispie treats, finishing your beef wellington, dipping your chicken nuggets in hot honey, and inhaling your damn cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning.
What other tools do you have in your tool belt (which is quite snug because you're so pudgy)? Maybe you guzzle 64 ounces of water before every meal. That's a good trick, and hydration is always welcomed, but now you pee like a racehorse - and every 34 minutes no less.
Maybe you like the look of anything that says dietary supplement on it. Like 5-hour energy, which you can absolutely drink enough of to behave like you're on a diet, because your throat will shrivel up like a raisin and the only thing you'll be able to get down are vitamin-enhanced electrolyte drinks. Will you lose weight? Yep, you betcha, of course you will and you'll also feel totally electric (three days of this max, please, or else you'll bloat in unnatural areas, like your ankles and just behind your ears).
There is, of course, the Christian Bale in the Machinist preparation, which includes a cup of coffee, one crisp red apple and you get to bang a 100 super king Pall Mall cigarette each day. This actually works, for real, so long as you get paid, say, a quarter mil to do some acting while you're so thin your ribs serve as a little shelf to tuck away the cigarette you'll smoke tomorrow.
And, yes, you can exercise your way to being fit. Try it right now. Stand up, move around a bit, waggle your arms. Do some squats and jumping jacks. Now push ups. Ok, wall sit. Uh huh, now grab your ankles and pull your ears into your thyroid zone. Also, stretch one leg out as if you have thrombosis of the calves. Feel better? Yeah, me too.
Of course, there's the new cheat code, the semaglutatudes which, oddly enough, don't do very much for your glutes except wither them away into loose rubber bands. Right right, you know this by its maiden name, Ozempic, and it's madcap sister Wegovy, but you can call them GLP-1s so you feel all fancy and Grand Theft Auto and all that.
GLP-1s are the shortcut we've all been waiting for, even if it may cause a bit of anxiety, and some vommy types of activities; and of course you'll begin pecking at your food like a damn Chickadee or Finch.
And so what if I called my doctor and said I'd be willing to pay the ungodly amount of $1k a month to jab myself with a needle to have everyone tell me oh, you're looking good these days, only to have my doc offer me the callous, why don't you just try losing 5 lbs, as if to acknowledge that he's seen me without any clothes on and, yes, I am a little more than just a bit fat.
And probably lazy ta boot.
Anyway, it's all good because soon enough you'll be making some New Year's Resolutions, and so let this list serve as guidance for the resolution about being thinner, more fit, in shape and mostly happier. So so so much happier, that you'll do nothing but run around and squeal, like a gleeful little piggie.