12/18/24 Dear Leadership,
12/18/24
Dear Leadership,
Just a note of immense thanks for making room to run the Flipside ship while I'm out on sabbatical. Honestly, I feel entirely blessed (Non-religiously, more spiritually - and somewhat metaphysically, mind you). I could go on and on -but do fear getting emotional. Or so my therapist tells me.
Truth is, all these tears are just air cover for my desire to come clean: you should know that I'm actually getting a nose job and pumping collagen into my lips. I'm not vain, I swear. I'm just, well, I'm just careful about how I present myself.
I'm also getting a tan. Well, I bought a tanning bed, and one of those standing red light things, so I can get all aglow, sans clothes, arms out like jesus christ (ok, don't think about that and...I swear I didn't mean anything actually religious or have a thing about priests). And I'm gonna get my knees done. Iron screws, they say I'll run as good as any other 50+-year-old, somewhat soft Dad.
Also - and this will be cool - Musk personally chose me as the next Nueralink Research Participant, so I'll be having some very very minor surgery to get a chip implanted in my head. It's just day surgery, a tiny little slit behind my ear, and only the slightest risk I'Il die right on the spot. Yeah, yeah, that sounds worse than it is. I said tiny risk, let's not make a big deal out of it, ok? I was told our D&0 policy doesn't cover anything like this, as a matter of fact it would probably make the whole sack of beans null and void.
Sigh.
Ok it's worth it; if it works I'll be able to control, get this...AI Ambassador Bots. WITH MY BRAINWAVES. Yep, BearShyllis, will modulate in activities based on what signals it gets from my brain.
https://x.com/BearShylls
Ok, what's that? Oh. I see. Well, I'm sorry, I just skipped over the thing about priests and it caught you off guard. I thought you might just forget I ever said anything but now I know you can't read another single word until you know what I meant. And now, you're even more freaked out because there will be crypto AI bots that would, like, have a thing for...priests?
No way, this is too much for any of us. This feels a bit like a singularity moment; like it's all so obvious now how things could just go insanely wrong, how we'd all be shilling bear priest coins like some Furry crypto broski.
Anyhoo, and for Chrissake (Gah, not like, a religious thing in the way you might think I was talking about), besides that I'm likely to get a tattoo. I'd say it's about damn time, and I was thinking a four leaf clover on my ankle or a butterfly on my right shoulder, so you might be able to see it when I start wearing a tank top to the office. I'll be able to do that because I will be seriously bodybuilding for most of my time off.
My planned routine:
wake a 4:45 AM
rip a Celsius
take some Creotine mixed with Pulse Energy Powder (it only makes your cheeks tingle for about a minute)
wait 30 minutes, brush teeth three times to remove drymouth from night before
two Adderall, but crushed and dipped throughout the day
sip coffee (so everyone just thinks I'm overcaffeinated)
one very small bite of a cod energy exercise pill I got off an insta ad to start to get my shit together
an absolute baby's arm of a joint
half an Ambien, or goddamn it melatonin if that's all you got
sleep by 8 PM
Somewhere in between I hit the gym, I swear.
If I don't, it won't matter because I'll be practicing corsetry. I've found that Spanx for Men (SpanxSculpt to be exact, with briefs, but actually only for my posture, not because I have love handles.) don't do it for me, they pinch me right below my shoulder blades and make sitting for long stretches uncomfortable. Am I telling you too much? I'm oversharing aren't I? Goddamn it, I do this when I get nervous, or anxious, or absolutely terrified of anything, like the wolf spiders that hang out in my basement. Seriously, I'm not afraid of spiders, you are.
Ok, back to priests.
Nah, nope, not going here. Nor am I doing mostly any of all that blather above. Gonna just get myself some tea and read a book and just absolutely chilllllax and cool my jets.
Wait. I think this was supposed to be a note about how thankful I am that my leadership team made this possible. That I have every confidence you have this whole "run the company" thing well in hand, for real, and that your prep for this moment, your thinking, your openness - your absolute unwavering support for me and for us is all very...well..lovely.
Ok, right? We good? We're all a team and there's plenty of thanks. And no neck elongation or foot binding or tooth mods can take any of that away from us. You just remember that until I get back, ok?